Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Rodents Go Badass



















This just in: After reading my previous post about the ass-kicking book Badass, an inspired squirrel spread the word throughout the Rodent Kingdom that the time was ripe to wage war on the Reptile bastards that keep stealing all the peanuts in the park.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Fifty-Five Gallon Barrel of Whoopass


"Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad."

The above passage is from Neal Stephenson's classic cyberpunk novel Snow Crash. The quote speaks a truth that is, well, absolutely true. Every man does think it. Yet, for a small minority of men, a very small minority, exhibiting an extreme flaw in character stewing in a boiling hot cauldron of misanthropy, evolve beyond the thought, and become something extremely scary.

This is what Ben Thompson's book Badass is all about: those select few that actually were the baddest motherfuckers in the world.

The entire read is one chapter after the next of historical Bad-Asses. Starting with the Egyptian Pharaoh Ramses II of Egypt, and ending with Israeli Special Forces Commander Johnathan Netanyahu. It includes chapters on contemporary ass-kickers like Eliot Ness, General Patton and Bruce Lee. It also features a chapter each on historical badasses like Alexander The Great, Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Black Beard the Pirate. As well as a nearly unheard-of Medieval female Samurai, Tomoe Gozen. There is even a chapter on the way-before-his-time original mad scientist Nikola Tesla (Tesla was included because he apparently spent the final years of his life developing a super atomic death ray - how kick-ass is that?)

In a way, this is a history book, filled with facts gleaned from the eyewitness accounts that gorge the annals of history. But in the style it is written, its pretty much assured that no history professor worth his weight in tenure would consider this a "text book."

Chock full of pop culture nomenclature, and a less than traditional narrative, this book is a scalding goulash of ruthless retribution and gratuitous carnage, seasoned with a healthy dose of hard-boiled badassitude.

It eats the Pulitzer Peace Prize for breakfast, and shits it out by noon.

Here is an example from chapter 2 of an incredibly accurate and nuanced exchange between an historical Badass, the Spartan King Leonidas, and his arch nemesis, Xerxes, the jerk-off Emperor of Persia:

Xerxes: What the hell is this crap?

Leonidas: Eat me.

Xerxes: There are two hundred thousand dudes here and you've only got a couple of hundred pussies guarding this pass. You're so boned. Just lay down your weapons.

Leonidas: Why don't you come and get them, bitch? We'll see who's a pussy when I shove all two hundred thousand of those knuckleheads up your ass.

Xerxes: Screw you.


Leonidas: Good one, loser. I've heard better insults from sock puppets.

Xerxes: That's it.


Brilliant! Is it not?

For an extra humorous treat, check out the reviews on Amazon. One reviewer started off his comments with this little caveat - "Warning: This book will suck the estrogen right out of you." (He then goes on to confess that he has never actually seen someone crushed under the weight of testicles, but is apparently open to the possibility). Another reviewer praises Thompson for "single-handedly saving History from the dust bin of history." Ironically, I found the arrogant assertions in the 1 and 2 star reviews far more endorsement than deterrent. I guess some people are so closed off to life, they just can't seem to find affinity for both Pulitzer Prize winning literature, as well as edgy, funny, and non-traditional styles of writing. These are the same type of snobs that hate Anime and shit on Science Fiction, Slasher, and Chop Socky flicks, while only praising indie, or mainstream "cinema." Variety is the spice of life. So eat a fist full of habaneros and shut the fuck up.

So, if you're ready for an unbridled wild ride of off-the-chain ass-kicking, then go obtain this book, open it, and start reading... unless of course you're a total pussy.

Badass of the Week
Ben Thompson Interview

Friday, November 13, 2009

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Feast For A Film Geek

Lots of buzz about Tarantino's new offering Inglorious Basterds. Some of course hate it; mostly because people love to hate things. But most like, or even love, the movie. It has been analyzed to death by mobs of Tarantino aficionados the world over (myself included), so no need to go into the intoxicating details here.


In typical Tarantino fashion, it abounds with homages to countless cult movie classics. Also, he once again captivates us with his genius ability to write dialogue (how many screen writers can start off a movie with a 20 minute interrogation scene and make it work brilliantly?).

Spaghetti Western theme songs, serious characters, cartoonish characters, scalping, revenge, movie makers, Nazi killings, secret agents, sociopaths, etc.... what more can one ask for in a Tarantino flick?

Do yourself a favor and go see it on the Big Screen. See it twice in fact.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Auto-Erotic Overdrive - Kwai Chang Caine Executes the Final Technique


One of my childhood heroes passed away last week.

I grew up watching the Television classic ‘Kung Fu’ during its original airing, and the subsequent syndicated re-run mill.

What a treat it was, week after week, watching this mystical monk from a magical land, performing supernatural feats of the body and mind. Every episode, we were transported to the Wild West of America to delight in a superhero from the exotic Orient dispatching violent un-enlightened thugs whose guns and gritty hauteur were soundly rendered impotent. He never broke a sweat, and he never got pissed-off. (Plus Master Po had those creepy cool looking eyes).

Of course, later on, most of us learned the truths of Kung Fu The Series and David Carridine the actor: Shaolin Monastery (少林寺) was just a Buddhist Temple in China that happened to specialize in Martial Arts; and David Carridine’s extremely serene demeanor was simply a classic case of Lysergic Acid Diethylamideexperimentation.

We also learned much later that the role was conceived by, and stolen from, the real Martial Arts Master of the time, the great Bruce Lee.

Later in his career, David Carradine proved that he was, if not a great actor, an extremely peculiar one. Whatever role he played, he always seemed to keep it interesting, if not for anything except his bizarre persona. His presence alone was compelling enough to endure even the worst of scripts. When his career was re-ignited by the brilliant Tarrintino classics, Kill Bill Volumes 1 and 2, we were once again reminded that Carridine was a enduring staple of American pop culture.

When I heard that he died, I felt a little sadness. A sadness that lingered. Although, when I learned of the circumstances surrounding his demise, I have to admit that I was, one, not surprised, and two, kind of in awe that he would go in such a bizarre, fairly uncommon way.

David Carradine died how he lived: alone in a Bangkok Hotel room with a rope around his neck attached to his genitals… okay, he didn’t really die the way he lived exactly, but it was bizarre just the same, just like he was.

He didn’t stop entertaining us to the very end.

You will be missed Grasshopper. You will be missed.