Fifty-Five Gallon Barrel of Whoopass

"Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad."

The above passage is from Neal Stephenson's classic cyberpunk novel Snow Crash. The quote speaks a truth that is, well, absolutely true. Every man does think it. Yet, for a small minority of men, a very small minority, exhibiting an extreme flaw in character stewing in a boiling hot cauldron of misanthropy, evolve beyond the thought, and become something extremely scary.

This is what Ben Thompson's book Badass is all about: those select few that actually were the baddest motherfuckers in the world.

The entire read is one chapter after the next of historical Bad-Asses. Starting with the Egyptian Pharaoh Ramses II of Egypt, and ending with Israeli Special Forces Commander Johnathan Netanyahu. It includes chapters on contemporary ass-kickers like Eliot Ness, General Patton and Bruce Lee. It also features a chapter each on historical badasses like Alexander The Great, Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Black Beard the Pirate. As well as a nearly unheard-of Medieval female Samurai, Tomoe Gozen. There is even a chapter on the way-before-his-time original mad scientist Nikola Tesla (Tesla was included because he apparently spent the final years of his life developing a super atomic death ray - how kick-ass is that?)

In a way, this is a history book, filled with facts gleaned from the eyewitness accounts that gorge the annals of history. But in the style it is written, its pretty much assured that no history professor worth his weight in tenure would consider this a "text book."

Chock full of pop culture nomenclature, and a less than traditional narrative, this book is a scalding goulash of ruthless retribution and gratuitous carnage, seasoned with a healthy dose of hard-boiled badassitude.

It eats the Pulitzer Peace Prize for breakfast, and shits it out by noon.

Here is an example from chapter 2 of an incredibly accurate and nuanced exchange between an historical Badass, the Spartan King Leonidas, and his arch nemesis, Xerxes, the jerk-off Emperor of Persia:

Xerxes: What the hell is this crap?

Leonidas: Eat me.

Xerxes: There are two hundred thousand dudes here and you've only got a couple of hundred pussies guarding this pass. You're so boned. Just lay down your weapons.

Leonidas: Why don't you come and get them, bitch? We'll see who's a pussy when I shove all two hundred thousand of those knuckleheads up your ass.

Xerxes: Screw you.


Leonidas: Good one, loser. I've heard better insults from sock puppets.

Xerxes: That's it.


Brilliant! Is it not?

For an extra humorous treat, check out the reviews on Amazon. One reviewer started off his comments with this little caveat - "Warning: This book will suck the estrogen right out of you." (He then goes on to confess that he has never actually seen someone crushed under the weight of testicles, but is apparently open to the possibility). Another reviewer praises Thompson for "single-handedly saving History from the dust bin of history." Ironically, I found the arrogant assertions in the 1 and 2 star reviews far more endorsement than deterrent. I guess some people are so closed off to life, they just can't seem to find affinity for both Pulitzer Prize winning literature, as well as edgy, funny, and non-traditional styles of writing. These are the same type of snobs that hate Anime and shit on Science Fiction, Slasher, and Chop Socky flicks, while only praising indie, or mainstream "cinema." Variety is the spice of life. So eat a fist full of habaneros and shut the fuck up.

So, if you're ready for an unbridled wild ride of off-the-chain ass-kicking, then go obtain this book, open it, and start reading... unless of course you're a total pussy.

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